The process of my discovery was when I couldn't feel my legs and I knew that I had to do something about it. I felt like I was going to stop breathing or something if I didn't drop the excess weight that I was determined to lose one way or another.
It was one of those days when I had air under my feet. The sound of my own raspy breath filling my ears. Heart pounding, thighs screaming this was a "ah" moment for me. The moment that I had realized who I had become, who I had changed myself back into how I had worked and what I had lost in the process. I was now someone strong and capable, physically and mentally fit. I was there, in the moment, with 200 other fitness professionals, sweating, breathing and moving. I had fought for this, hard. Gained a lot and lost even more. But I had triumphed. I was there and I was doing it. All my hard work and all that I lost, both physically and personally, wrapped up into the moment. I sweated and then I cried.
Many of us have an "Ah Ha moment." Mine was at a fitness instructor convention in an athletic skills and drill workshop. Not much of a place for a revelation. There were no lights from heavens above and no angels singing. In October 2008 I weighed 230 pounds. I wore a size 18. I could not walk very far, and I could not climb stairs. My feet hurt all the time. I had spent years staring into the bottoms of empty ice cream containers, spoon in hand , wondering what had happen to me and my life. Where did I go? Who was this unhappy creature eating away her days, passing time, waiting until she died? I had no answers. The young, fit, happy, passionate, hopeful 29 year I once knew, was gone. She had been replaced by sad, fat, dispirited hopeless 33 year old one who could not even reach feet to tie her shoelaces.